I Love the Smell of Libraries.

I have so many books on my bookcase that I have never read.

Piles.

Stacks.

Shelves.

Unread. Unabsorbed. Unloved. Unopened [since the 1st time I skimmed it pre-purchase].

Books. Knowledge. Stories. Opinions. That I've never had the time taken the time to read.

I consider myself fairly literate. Excelling at English throughout high school. Pursuing & attaining a degree in something [theatre/greek classics] that involved constant reading & viewing of the written word performed. Having a minor major meltdown post-college that involved me consuming copious amounts of books & plays I'd never read and even writing up mini-essays [for myself] as I felt my mind melting so quickly after the end of college, class & required contemplation.

The melt-down came to end [sort of] & with it so did the overwhelming need for me to read. I wish it hadn't. I now put 'READ' on my daily to-do lists. It is often left alone, uncrossed, waiting to be added to tomorrow's list.

When I begin a book & don't finish it I have moments where I think about the characters paused in the passage where I left them. Unable to move forward. Unable to go back. Left wondering why I would leave them. What they had done wrong. Would they ever get to finish the story they were meant to tell?

Guilt-Ridden.

I am Ridden with Guilt. For fictional characters. For facts. For narratives. For books.

I am fairly literate. But I am not. A favorite activity of mine is wandering into bookstores. I walk the tables. NEW IN PAPERBACK. CLASSICS. MYSTERY. SUMMER MUST READS. ETC. I then stop & count the number of books I've read. If I'm with another person it becomes both a competition [because everything is] & a wonderful conversation starter [try it on a first or second date - you'll learn WONDERS about the person...]. I did this recently & found myself lacking. I would be the person on the date being judged for my lack of literacy. I was sad.

The Pee Wee Scouts would have been disappointed in me.

...

I had a hard time learning to read when I was a kid. I don't think I even liked it. But in 2nd Grade Mr. Anderson [my favorite teacher of all time] introduced me to THE PEE WEE SCOUTS. I read one and that was it. I read them all before 2nd grade was through. And from there I never stopped. Reading series after series, completing list after list of recommended reading. Graduating 5th grade with a 12th grade reading level. I had become an official reader. A bibliophile.

...

Unbent binding.  Crisp cut pages. New book smell on novels years old.

They wait patiently. The stories. The thoughts. The characters. The noted moments. More patiently than I with myself. Constantly pushing to be better. To be more literate because "it'll help my work". I think I'm realizing it's the wrong approach. To put that pressure on passion. On that which at such a young age, changed my life. I've ruined it by making it work.

I've begun to think that about a lot of things I've been doing lately. Trying to turn what I loved to do into what I'm paid to do.

It's taken me a beat to realize it but I'm finding if you're not careful it turns what you love to do into another thing on the to do list. That won't get done. That gets moved to tomorrow.

Unread. Unabsorbed. Unloved. Unopened.

That is not what I want my life to be.

Today. I read. For fun.

Wasn't Lost but Found it Anyway.

I haven't used the 'stickies' application on my computer since the end of college. Today. I needed a 'stickie' so I pulled it up. What memories I had left sitting so close to me everyday that I had forgotten to remember.

Like finding a time capsule I didn't know I buried.

Besides 'stickies' upon 'stickies' of to do lists, goals, quotes & info I wanted to remember (some I do some I don't) I discovered a real diamond in the ruff.

My Life List to Do.

The most amazing thing reading it was, I could actually cross a couple things off I hadn't been able to before. Below I post my Life List to do with a few things newly crossed off & updated with things I've realized I want to do. Mostly for me so I have it safely stored somewhere besides my desktop but perhaps in reading it you discover there's something you never realized you wanted to do.

It's amazing what you miss when it's staring at you every day.

Take a beat [as director Rachel likes to say].


We I spend so much time planning for the future - don't forget it's ok to remember & reminisce in the wonderful moments of the past. For me, this list is a combination of both.

MY LIFE LIST TO DO:

Life List To Do: 

Run a HALF-Marathon

Run a Marathon

Get Scubadiving Certification

Visit all 7 Continents

Bungee Jump

Sky Dive

Go to the Superbowl

Swim with Dolphins

Swim with Sharks

Eat Pizza in Italy

Eat Baklava in Greece - Multiple Times. Yummy. Study Abroad in Athens August - December 2006

Sing in the Rain

Kiss in the Rain

Ride in a Hot Air Balloon

Live in Europe - Study Abroad in Athens August - December 2006

Float in the Dead Sea

Perform on Broadway

Direct on Brodway

Go on an African Safari

Sleep under the Stars - On the Beach in Malibu with Kelly Combs Fall 2008.

Make Homemade Ice Cream

Go to the Olympics

Go to the World Cup

Go to the La Brea Tar Pits

Go to SeaWorld

Go to an Airport with a Bag, Passport & Take the 1st Flight Available.

Share Spaghetti Lady & the Tramp Style

Visit 7 Wonders of the World

Buy a New Car 

Have my Portrait Painted

Go to Oktoberfest

Walk the Great Wall of China

Sing in the Mountains  [Sound of Music Style]

Sleep in a Hammock - Summer 2009 @ O'Neill Theatre Center

Drive on the Autobahn

Learn to say Cheers in every country I visit

Go through a Toll Booth & Pay for You & the Car Behind You

Learn to Drive a Stick Shift...Just in Case

Go White Water Rafting

Go Real Camping

Be on the Cover of a Magazine

Invent Something 

Write a Book

Write a Play - May 2008 : Playwrighting Class Final Project = Write a Full Length Play

Go to a Runway Show 

Run the Athens Marathon

Live Alone - November 2009 - Current. I <3 My Studio!

Host a Poker Night

Drink Frozen Hot Chocolate at Serendipity

Visit 10 of the Biggest Things in the World
               - #1 Visited World's Biggest Thermometer March 2008 w/Alex Lubischer

Go to the Macy's Day Parade

Go Kayaking 

Shave my Head

Be a Maid of Honor - IN PROGRESS for my best friends Mike & Olivia getting married May 2011

Run/Swim/Cycle in a Triathalon

Catch Fireflies

Buy a House

Go to Europe without a plan

Love Epically 

Have a Pet Hedgehog

Have a Pet Turtle

Write a Song on the Guitar

Host a Murder Mystery Party - Leslie's Bday Party November 2008

Cliff Jump in Hawaii

Be Serenaded

Get Married to 'The One'

Be a Mom

Work with an Animal Shelter - February 2010 - Current :: Social Media Manager & Foster Mama with Life4paws (life4paws.org or twitter.com/life4paws)

Go to a Sumo Match in Japan

Become a Certified Yoga Instructor

Place a $1000 Bet

Gondola Ride around Venice

Get in a Fist Fight (for a good reason)

Make my own Sushi

Go to the Rocky Horror Picture Show

Go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras

Perform an Act of Guerilla Theatre

To Be Continued... 

I happened to say this earlier today before this 'Stickie' situation even arose. But...


I LOVE THE POSSIBILITY THAT IS THE REST OF MY LIFE. 


I'm not normally this overtly optimistic. 


I think I may like it.


[insert sarcastic comment here].


;)

Sleepless Dreams are Anything but Figurative

I had a very important audition last weekend.

One I've been waiting for for years (literally, I submitted for it in 2008).

Yet, the process of the audition made me less inclined to be a part of the project I so desperately desired.

Sometimes, the things you think will be are not what you thought. And that is good.

My life is changing yet staying momentarily the same. Stuck in the same pattern of events through at least July. I have promised myself not to commit to anything after July in order to create a moment for me. My mind. And to see. To see a lot of things both then, in the future & in me. 

There are a 1000 [figurative] things I want to do with my life. And what I am slowly discovering being slapped in the face with, is that doing one or two of the things I want may not allow me to do the 998 other [figurative] things I want to do before I don't have a life with which to do anything. 

At what point do you give up one dream to fulfill another. 

At what point does working so hard for one dream turn it into a waking nightmare. 

That is. When I get the chance to sleep long enough to dream. 

I'm not giving up. I'll never give up. On my dreams. But as I grow into my ripe age of 24.5, my dreams seem to be changing. Maturing? And really, the ultimate goal of life, my life, is to laugh. To be happy. To be stressed in a way that drives me. To try new things everyday. To make new friends and keep old ones close. To read. Everything. To learn as much as I can. To share. To feel [be] healthy. To love. To be able to stand in funny bendy poses unwavering. To make a big family. To take care of lost dogs. To take pictures. To dance. To love waking up in the morning even when it's too early. To sing. To not worry I'm missing out on one thing because I'm doing another.

To do 1000 [figurative] things.  

And the way my life is set up right now. It is all figurative. Not only my distant future but what I would like to do today. Tomorrow. This weekend. 

And I am tired of living a figurative life. I want a literal life. 

And that's what I'll have.

...

By the end of July. 

...Possibly early August. 

I [can] dream. Anyway.

Getting in the Ring with Life

Beginning work on a new show. Well an Olde Show. With an 'e'.

King Lear. With the Antaeus Theatre Company.

An opportunity sent across my desk via email. A company once recommended to me. A noteworthy director. So, an Assistant Director I became. Again.

Unpaid.

Again.

40 hours a week.

Again.

A year ago I was doing the same. 40 hours of work. 40 hours of rehearsal.

A year ago I was loving it. Appreciating it.

This year is harder.

My body is more tired.
My mind is more tired.
My emotions are running rampant.

Never truly convinced this is all worth it.

Appreciating the opportunity but not sure how the unquantifiable learning experience will benefit a still yet unquantifiable career.

What if doing everything it takes to do what I want causes me to hate everything about the thing I've always wanted to do.

I feel myself drifting that direction.

Not drifting.

Being bullied toward it.

Into a corner.

By life.

Bullied by life. How do you take on that bully.

Stand up? Or just walk away.

I've always been one to punch a bully in the face.

Not sure life would like it.

Life would probably punch back.

Good thing I know how to Parry.

Next up. A Right Hook.