Sealing Ties Together Flannel

I'm not sure what's happening to me right now but I kind of feel like I'm having a heart attack. I am sitting perfectly still in my apartment, minding my own business reading and running amuck on the internet and out of no where my heart starts pounding out of my chest. I can feel it in my ears. My head is starting to ache. Ever since my health insurance ran out in January i've waited for this moment. The moment my heart would explode or my leg would actually break or my asthma would pummel my lungs, or a bus would hit me. Because that'll be the moment I really regret. And i think it may be right now. Maybe. Or maybe there's just a ghost in the room and only my heart knows it.

I read 'The Old Man and the Sea' the other day. I think it may be my new favorite. I've been mulling over why it struck me so. I can't figure it out. It is so simple. The structure the phrasing the diction. all so simple. But from the beginning all i could do was pray, literally pray to god, that this old man would bring home that fish. And when he didn't. I cried. But what was so fantastic was that really, he hadn't failed. He had won. Great success was found in his ultimate failure. And could one ever hope for anything more? Great success found in success is typical, to be found a success because of a grand failure. That is legendary. That is where truth is found.

I am working on a play. I like my role. I like what I have done with it. I have taken great strides in my personal work ethic in acting and have spent a great deal of time working with the script on my own. I am proud of what I am accomplishing. I am not proud of the show. I am almost torn telling people to come see it, because despite my work, my effort I do not want to be associated with a bad show and at this point I can't see how it won't be. Because to put it bluntly one of the four actors in it sucks. Sucks worse than virgin on prom night. And it is sad. Because I want to not be annoyed. I want to not be a diva. I want to not be a bitch. But lets face it, i'm a bitch and i'm annoyed. And in this moment i'm going to whine like a diva. Why, on not only my Minneapolis debut but also my professinal debut in acting do I have to be working with idiots? Why do idiots even exist in this field? I have worked my ass off everyday since I was 12 years old to get into a good college where I could be rigourously trained in my profession in order to work professionally with other well trained people. WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE IDIOTS?! And why must they flock to me? Always?!

And Scene. No more diva bitching... today.

An Aside:

My new favorite quote is as follows...

"all life is just a progression toward and then recession from, one phrase - "I love you"" from one of Fitzgerald's short stories.

A Summing Up:

I love life right now. I wonder if that's why my heart is beating so fast. I think love is the only reason it should ever beat this way.