Nails Never Point Toward the Prime Meridian

A Declaration : No matter how rich, famous, important or grown up I may or may not become I will always take the opportunity to crunch a crispy autumn leaf. Even if it has fallen at a time other than autumn.

Life is in a constant state of change despite my desire & desperate attempts to keep it regimented. Formerly sedated compulsions are seeping through.

Unexpected love. The artist formerly known as Jem. Swept me away I suppose one could say.

Mostly. I say.

...

Sent an important email today. Several in fact. One response already releasing me from the hellhole in which I have been living since August. As of November 1st I am a leaf on the wind. Hopefully finding some place to land before then. Hoping not to be crunched. With all of my things. I have a lot of things. It would be hard to crunch them all.

Can and cannot wait to hear from another. An interesting feeling, tweaking ones heart just enough to make it slightly harder to breathe.

Too many ways to communicate these days. Noted mildly ironically as I perpetuate another form. Too many things to stay updated on, to accidently ignore someone on. To purposefully ignore someone on. It hurts to be rejected in real life. But for some reason to be rejected virtually stings in a new worse way. Hours spent refining an internet persona and still not what they want. New pain for a new world.

Vingt-Quatre Ans. Many years I have become. So suddenly it seems. Much to do by next year. Much to do in 356 days. Much to do about Everything. With so much to do it makes sitting, responding to emails seem so inconsequential. Lackadaisical even. Except it's probably through email that I will somehow do what needs to be done to cross it off my list.

Is that Irony? I've never truly understood the meaning.

I'll go ask Alanis.

Transcending Lava Surpasses Minefield.

When you wake up it is good to remember you are not dead so you do not forget to open your eyes.

I am currently being cuddled by 20lbs of black lab puppy love. She is my baby for the week. She peed in my kitchen. Twice. But she's made up for it in kisses.

Adventure with a boy today. I will call him Jem. We shared coffee of the iced variety. He took his black. I'm not sure how he felt about the guava cake. But he knew how to handle my puppy. If you know what I mean. And you should. It means he knew how to walk my dog. It was really cute.

Went to an acting workshop tonight. It was good. But not the same. I miss my summer company. My summer loves. I do hope we all (well, almost all. nothing is ever 100%. until it is. and then its perfect and according to the hindus you become a cow.) transcend the evanescence of summer romance and continue to grow together as real live people. I think we will. And those who don't clearly were never meant to be cows in the first place.

I wish i had a Pensieve. A la Harry Potter. There are moments I wish I knew the details to. The slightest touch. Which way a crooked smile leaned. What exact words were said. The missed beat of a heart. How many pieces of pie were eaten. Finding the balance between past & present is hard. To be in the present you are a compilation of your past. But you can't waste too much time remembering who you were then because you'd lose the chance to create the future you now. Life is very complicated. Not life. Time. No life.

Both probably.

Skyline Inclined Solitude

Los Angeles is filled with anything but Angels. Except that I've met two people by the name this week.

Fighting fatigue. Fighting boredom. Fighting through what must be done in order to just do. Considering that art is often used to question politics its political system is not so surreptitiously daunting. Possibly a problem to be played.

I find my brick walls and hardwood floors inspirational. The sight of which automatically creates a nostalgia for a time I never lived. Things crumbled slower then.

Back in LA. Back home. In a home anyway. In the process of making it mine. A lifetime passed this summer in Connecticut. In the Newest London. The oldest acres. New friends. Broken hearts. Drunken revelry. Good art & bad. A foreshadowing for what will come to pass. Deep cuts. Man made. Once made. Re-made. Los Angeles seeks rejuvenation through Botox. Todays forecast : Potential for potholes. 85%.

Must see what else LA has to offer.

Flinging Manatees

I will be back in LA in 72 hours. Less really but I'm too lazy to do the math. 1:55pm Wednesday.

Much to do. Little time to do it. Alas. It will get done won't it? It has to I suppose. 

I should be asleep. I am not. I just got home from a night out with a boy. Most fun. Most comfortable. Wonderful theatrical conversation. That is, conversation relating to the topic of theatre. Although, being actors I assume we did come off as rather theatrical to those around us. 

I'm excited to go and sad to leave. How wonderful it has been to grow closer to family. Family is taken for granted in this time I think. Knowing it's so easy to call or skype or shoot a text. That is great and all. But it's not the same as being there, knowing each other, being apart of each other's lives. I'm glad I've had this opportunity. I hope I will have it again. I hope it will motivate us to stay close and to bring the rest in with us. 

I miss my mama on this mother's day. All of them. My grandma(s) my aunt(s) my theatre mama, but more than anyone I miss the only one I got. My one & only mama. I am lucky. Lucky I am to have such a woman in my life. Resilient. Forgiving. Selfless. Fashionable. Intelligent. Hilarious. My mother is fabulous. She is a woman beyond measure. One who continues to answer the phone even if she knows it's me calling to cry. again. She answers. And let's me be me, no matter how crazy i may be. She doesn't know it, probably wouldn't believe me if she did. But i pray every night to be strong like her. To be half as strong as her. She is the pillar of sanity in the psychosis of our family. We are all lost, yet she is found. And she is my pillar. My pillar of strength that I lean on, that i strive toward, that one day i will replace & allow to rest. She is my mama. She is mine. And I thank god each night for that.