Teetering

As a libra. My ultimate intergalactic goal is to stay balanced.

Attaining this goal, I have never done.

Work. Theatre. Emotions. Socially. Relationships. My Body. My Diet. My Life. My Etc.

Never have I ever, truly felt in-sync. I have felt busy. And oh, how I love that feeling. Always being someplace and having something else to do. But just because you're doing everything doesn't mean it's balanced.

Take my life a month ago. I wasn't working [besides random extra jobs]. I wasn't acting. I wasn't directing. I was sleeping late. Not working out. Dreaming. A lot. Awake & not. I felt nothing all the time. Except anxiety for the emptiness of my days.

My life today involves balancing 3 jobs [all rent paying]. One short film. One theatre project pending. 3 opportunities to be paid in theatre. Potentially training for a half marathon. And yoga daily for the next two weeks. Hopefully.

I rarely see my friends. I probably see my boyfriend too much [but anyone who knows me, knows I am serial serious monogamist.]. Not to mention I have a foster dog with peeing issues [i.e. he takes free reign on my apartment when i leave for one of my various obligations.]. But I love him anyway.

I am off balance in a completely different way than I was a month ago. But balance-less nonetheless.

The off-putting part is that I strive for balance. I pray for it. But never can I seem to manage it. Always, slightly, out of control my schedule & opportunities all tend to be. Always on the cusp of getting it together. But it's almost as if I'm missing that final Libra lynch pin that steadies it all out. That motivates enough to demand from life my desired schedule & fulfillment of my needs.

I claim to have once been a yogi. But truthfully I mean I went to classes once a week. Maybe. Still, in those few hours I committed to myself & to my inner & outer balance I found hope. My mind quiets during yoga. The breath. The focus. The balance I am forced to find physically, mentally and my most lacking, spiritually, acts as a Quiet Coyote for my constantly racing thoughts.

I have begun a 2 week trial for $30 @ Black Dog Yoga in Sherman Oaks just a few minutes from my apartment. I already have a gym membership to the local 24 Hour Fitness. Which I do frequent. Occasionally... but weight lifting. Treadmills. They have never motivated me past a couple of pre-bathing suit season, post break up, weeks. But yoga. Something about the overall wellness its moirae tends to invoke. The overall connection to all of life. To the balance of life. It makes it much more than a workout and that inspires me to come back. To squat a little lower. To reach a little higher. To stretch a little deeper. To relax my cringing face in...well...any pose.

Because.

In yoga.

I am a tree.

...wait for it.

I am rooted. I am growing taller. I am connected. I am strong. I am flexible. I may teeter, but in the end, even if I bend & crack. I am balanced. And will always have a place from which I can regrow.

And so as I stand in my life (run around. drive around. speed around. my life) I have decided to repeat to myself what I've always repeated to myself during yoga.

I am a tree.

And even in the moments I am not. I will breathe deep. Be patient with myself (& others). And I will balance. I will always balance, even if I end up teetering.

A little bit.